Men… Stop ‘Friend Zoning’ Yourselves!

By on February 15, 2016
unhappy and bored young woman on a white background


Yes, you.
I know you.

You’re a heterosexual man, and you’re ready to get laid.
Maybe you were in a long-term relationship that ended what feels like recently, but actually it was 5 months ago and you haven’t had sex since. Or maybe you were dating around, playing the field and having decent sex, until you realised none of it was fulfilling- so you broke it all off.

Now it’s been a few months…

Whatever the reason, you haven’t ‘gotten any’ in a while, and because of that, there’s a real part of you that wants to hump anything that moves. And yet, it seems like the well has run dry. I’m here to tell you why I think that is, and help you to do something about it.

Our culture asks a lot of you men…

Women want you to be it all— sexy and hot, caring and sweet, a put-together protector, and someone to be nurtured. It can be a lot to keep track of, especially when on a date with a new person. So now it’s a few months since your last bang, and there’s this part of you that is extremely desiring of sex, and yet you seem to be perpetually ‘friend-zoned.’

(Melody is on staff with the Authentic Man Program.  Find out more in this free ebook.                 Click the image below.)



Try this on…

Is it possible that this desirous part of you is so ‘wanting it’, that you actually feel a little ashamed about it? Because you’re not just sexy. You’re also compassionate and wholesome, and you know that women are more than objects. And you, the sweet, caring, wholesome man that you are, want to honor women. You know that this part of you that wants sex is, however, not so honoring of them. So, consciously or not, you cut off access to the (now overgrown) sexual part of yourself. You want to protect them from it because otherwise you believe you’ll hurt them with it.

Does this sound like it could be you?

Men... do you try to hide your desire from women? Click To Tweet


Here’s the problem…

Cutting off access to the sexual part of you does just that— it cuts off access to the sexual part of you. Sounds obvious, right? I get what you’re trying to do here, and I want to give you credit for it. You want to hide the part that’s not honoring of women, that does imagine them as objects, or in pretty raunchy positions, etc, but what ends up happening is not only do you cut off access to that part, you end up cutting off access to all sexual parts of yourself, including the ones that I, as a woman, want from you.

And I mean it, I want it.

A couple weeks ago I was on a date with Ryan (not his real name). He was checking off most of my boxes for when I look for partnership- similar interests, similar jobs, similar religious beliefs, great lips… you get the picture. The one box he wasn’t checking, though, was sex. Of course, I know he’s a sexual being, and I had had explicit confirmation that he’s attracted to me. But the energy that he was putting out was so… platonic.

Sex is important to me, so on our second date I checked in with him about this. I set context first ‘Hey, I have something I want to say, it might be kind of edgy, you game?’, and with his permission, I started a dialogue by saying, ‘It seems like you’re apologising for being a sexual being. I want to feel you wanting me, and I don’t. Does that resonate for you?’

We kept the discussion going and realised that I’d nailed him (no pun intended). Yes he’s attracted, and yes, there’s a part of him that wants to sleep with me. But it had been so long since he’d had sex that he’d started to feel ashamed of how strong that part of him is, so somewhere along the way he had made an unconscious decision cut off access to it.

Once we were able to talk about it, he was able to welcome that part of himself, and even play more on that date with me. Now we’ve seen each other every day this week.

So, if this sounds like you, my best offering is to have you…

Forgive yourself for being a sexual being.

It’s ok that you are. It’s primal, and human, and beautiful.

Welcome– that part of you.

Keep in mind that welcoming it doesn’t mean letting it run the show, but it does mean you get to show up on your next date as all parts of you, including the sexy parts.

Now get yourself out of the friendzone and back in the game!


(Melody often serves as one of the coaches for the Authentic Man Weekend Intensive.  To find out more, click here or on the image below.



Your comments are welcome below…


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About Melody Indigo Markel

Melody Indigo Markel is a relational coach from Boulder, CO. She both travels the country and serves on faculty at The Integral Center, helping to offer a variety of courses centered around human connection and relational intelligence. She believes nothing is sexier than exposing what’s true in the present moment.


  1. Billy

    February 17, 2016 at 12:59 am

    men are pigs, men are dogs, men do nothing but objectify women! Oh but now you should forgive yourself for all of that stuff we’ve labelled you for the last couple decades.

  2. Melody Indigo Markel

    February 23, 2016 at 11:26 am

    Hey Billy,
    Sounds like you’re a little frustrated (maybe even angry?), and that you’re thinking I’m blaming men for being some version of “pigs,” and “objectifying women.” Is that true? If I were doing that, I’d be frustrated too! (And if that’s not true, help me understand what you meant. Continuing my comment assuming that I’m in the right ballpark…)

    If that’s the impression you got from my article, I feel sad and a little confused, and I hope I can help clear up that confusion here. I tried to make it clear that I love men, I love what they bring, and I love all parts of them (from their sexy selves, to their compassionate selves, their intelligent selves, their powerful selves, their curious selves, and all other pieces in between). However, I’ve seen so many times, in my dates and my clients, that there can be shame around men bringing their sex, which in turn has them cut off access to it entirely, and they end up doing this thing where they kind of “friend zone” themselves. In this article, I’m trying to encourage men to bring it! I LOVE when men show up in their whole selves, including the part of them that’s desiring of sex.

    And as far as objectification, I personally love to be objectified 😉 I think it gets a bad rap in our culture. I actually explicitly invite my male friends to objectify me on a regular basis.

    Hope this clears up any confusion on your end! And if not, I’m happy to keep dialoguing.


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