Passion and Anger: Bringin’ The Heat!

By on June 6, 2016
Glowing love hearts symbols in palms on dark background

‘What’s the relationship between passion and anger?’ – Marc.


Rob Says…



I think that ‘temper tantrums‘ have a very bad press agent.


‘Fear is excitement without the breath.’


The first time I heard this pithy statement, I rolled my eyes. It just seems so woo-woo. However, the more I thought about it, the truer it seemed. Researching it, I found out that it was most likely that Fritz Perls, founder of Gestault therapy, was the one who coined it. The thing I like the statement is that we can all connect to the true nature of it.


We are on that roller coaster (emotional or real) and we’re climbing up that big hill. The clicking of the car on the threads seems to squeeze our soul as we climb higher and higher.

Anticipation. Fear. Excitement. Fear. Excitement.


Then, we hit the top and there is that short delay before we start our rapid descent down. We can decide at that point… Will we hold our breath and feel fear for the next 3-4 minutes? Or will we relax and enjoy the ride we paid and probably waited 30 minutes in a line waiting for.  Choice.


I have my own pithy statement about this week’s question.


‘Anger and passion are next-door neighbors.’


I looked up ANGER in wikipedia and found the following information:


Physiological responses to anger include…

  • an increase in the heart rate,
  • increase of the blood flow to the hands,
  • perspiration increases.


A common metaphor for the physiological aspect of anger is that of hot fluid in a container.


Wikipedia didn’t list a similar description for passion but my personal view that when I’m passionate, I resonate with these same physiological responses.


The main difference between passion and anger is that passion has a better rep…

We all want to be around passionate people but not so much around the angry ones. If your romantic partner regularly shows passion then they are ‘good’ but too much anger means ‘bad’.


At the same time, how often do we hear, ‘I’d rather they show some f’in emotion, even anger, rather just be same stoic person every day’. Anger can also seem sexy in the right circumstance. How many times have we had great nooky after a knockdown fight?


For me, passion can be defined as deliberated and well-directed anger…

It is the ability to take that stirring in our inside and display it in a method that fits into the expectations of ‘proper behavior’ of  yourself and others. It when you feel your raging heart and allow it to be seen. Anger is passion gone amuck and moving past our arbitrary social agreements.


One last thing – if you can approve of other’s anger then you can approve of your own…

And that approval, just for a moment or maybe an hour, is just the thing that can morph that increase of blood flood into the attractive, delicious sensation of passion.


Don’t shun it. Invite it.


(Appreciating Rob’s unique voice?  Click the image below to check out his podcast!  -Editor.)




Sara Says…



Ok, I cheated. I read Rob’s response before writing mine. I have my own pithy statement for this question:


‘What we resist, persists.’


What we push away – be it anger, judgment, passion, or anything else – is what we have the hardest time dealing with. Because we don’t deal with it, it’s the thing that never gets resolved.


Passion can come from a one-night stand. But lasting passion, in my life, has come from a deeper meeting. It comes from…

  • being fully honest with each other.
  • getting fucking angry.
  • letting our weakness show.
  • letting ourselves come into contact, skin on skin, soul on soul.


Anger seems to be one of the hardest emotions to accept, in ourselves or in others…

We push it away. Pushing it away causes distance both from our inner self and from the person we’re angry with, whereas intimacy comes from a willingness to come close. Therefore, what we resist (anger) keeps us away; keeping away blocks intimacy; our fear of feeling anger blocks the deep passion available when we come into direct contact with each other’s truth.


Anger is a scary feeling…

I’m personally terrified of attacking others emotionally, not being in control of my feelings, or especially of having judgments. Judgments can be a deferred feeling of anger. Because I don’t feel okay to get angry at others’ actions, I place a judgment on their character, which puts distance between us. Why bother getting angry at someone who is obviously wrong anyways? I can hide my anger behind self-righteousness, which is a much nicer feeling for me.


My judgements are usually a screen for pain and anger…

When I play keep-away for weeks with myself or my partner, afraid to share if it’s going to be messy, we get distant. The passion fades.


This is a personally relevant question for me. I’ve been having a tough time owning my judgments of my partner, or any anger at him, in the last few weeks. Our relationship has become less passionate in that time. I think there’s a strong correlation between these events. I want to accept my partner fully, so I rationalize my anger. I get his world around why he’s doing things that bug me. I sugarcoat my words. I go to therapy for the ‘tough’ emotions. I show my partner only half of myself, and he responds by trusting me less.


We can feel when somebody isn’t being honest with us, and we aren’t going to bring the full intensity of our passion (beyond the occasional one-night stand) to someone who might meet unguarded passion with a guarded self.


Obviously, I’m writing this article for those of us who have trouble with expressing anger. Those who get in trouble for expressing it loudly will need to read last week’s He Said/She Said.


In my case, the times in my relationship when I or my partner have been able to express anger have often led to the most intense passion between us. Our love becomes a full-contact sport. Every time, this has come from the willingness of one or the other of us to take the gloves off.


And now, I’m going to excuse myself to go have an honest conversation with my love.



(Want more Sara?  She’s the founder of Authentic Revolution…

Click the image below, or HERE.  -Editor.)



The best way to build relationship skills is to practice.  The best way to do that is to attend a Wabi-endorsed LIVE EVENT.


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